(This is my study face)
I am down to my last week before I reach my presubmission deadline. 9 essays due in on Monday 12th (it's currently Tues 6th for anyone wondering and too lazy to look). This is pretty scary, but I definitely feel as though it's an actual possibility. I came into uni this morning to have a one on one with the dyslexia tutor man, who helped me come up with an action plan and split my time up. I felt really anxious and sick when I realised how much time I had left last night, but I'm feeling ok today. Let's hope it lasts long enough (at least the week, come on!) for me to get all this work done...
Now, I've not written a blog for a while and since my last entry quite a bit has happened that I want to talk about with you. All these things deserve a decent amount of attention, but this is me taking a short break from studying so I wont stick around for long enough to talk about it all - and besides, you wouldn't want to troll through a massive long post all in one go now, would you?
Didn't think so.
So I'm going to give you a quick, what's what, and maybe next time I'm taking a break from philosophy I'll go into things a bit more.
Do you remember me talking about my friend that died on New Years Day? Well, when the car hit her it hit 4 other people too. Carrie died then and there, and I really hope she didn't notice, but who knows. Two of the others were left in comas, one was injured and the other got lucky I guess. Last week, Chelsea, who has been in a coma since the accident and been through the operations we thought would save her, died. About a week after her 20th birthday. I probably said this before, but 20 year olds are not meant to die. I want to say something meaningful, but I'm lost for words. Losing two friends in the space of three months is horrible. But look at me, feeling sorry for myself. 'Cause isn't that all grieving is, feeling sorry for yourself for having to deal with this loss? I'm not really sure what I believe when it comes to what happens next and all that, but I'm pretty sure it's not a lot. I don't believe in things like the soul, we're just a collection of cells and stuff buzzing around, making things happen. So I imagine when I die and my consciousness ends, that'll be it; for my consciousness. But my body? My body is part of this universe, it's part of existence. And it will continue to be part of everything forever. It might not look like me for very long, but it'll change form and move on. I think we're tied in with the universe; with nature I suppose. Maybe I need to look into Buddhism or something when I get a chance, 'cause I know they say something about cosmic energy... or something.
It seems we are surrounded by death all the time; yeah it's depressing to lose people you're close to and it's scary to come face to face with your own motality but I think there's something in this for us to walk away from. A lot of the time, we live as though we have forever. We put things off all the time and save for dreams we're never going to reach. Or worse, we saves for standard grown up things like a house and a car and don't even attempt those dreams your childhood self wanted nothing more than to achieve.
I think we all need to stop trying to be what we think we are meant to be, and just be. Do those things you want to do. See those people you want to see. I dare you to be happy. 'Cause in this Capitalist society of ours, happiness is definitely not on the agenda; it's a waste of time. But relax, 'cause we're not in a race.
Now, I've had my break so I'm hitting the books again. Wish me luck...
I just spoke to a friend of mine about this blog post and she just made a really good point. It's important that when you lose someone, who was really important to you, you don't allow their life to have been in vain. Take something positive from everyone around you, 'cause you can learn something all the time. Let these people affect your life and your out look and try to always be your best and try to always find happiness, 'cause we need each other sometimes. I'm not sure that's exactly what she was getting at and I'm not sure I've really said what I wanted to say, but it made me think.
... I think I sound like a nut job.