Goodbye Safety Net; Hello World

I have one month left; one. That's a month of exams that I am underprepared for and terrified of sitting. That's one month of living off a student loan and being an unemployed student. That's one month to determine where my world goes next.

Needless to say, I'm somewhat scared about having to take on the role of 'grown up'. Life is just a series of playing different parts; taking on new personas. We're all on some sort of journey in the process and I guess everyone takes their own, but I feel like mine is about finding out who I am and what it means to be. Not what it is to be me, but to be. Period.

Everyone has goals in mind for what they want their lives to be - or what they think it should be. Theres the capitalist ideology of getting a big house, full of nice things and all the bling to let everyone know you made it. But this has most people falling into debt to try to secure. There's the got-to-have-a-family ideology, where people end up settling too soon. There are people trying to find love or God or excitement. Everyone has something they are after. There's a link to most of them though; happiness. 

People think happiness is the goal. They're trying to achieve things they think will make them happy. The only problem is, most of the time as soon as we hit our target we soon discover it wasn't good enough; we need to aim higher. We're a greedy species really. Though maybe that's not completely true. Some people find contentment despite the pressures of their surrounding societies. That's what I'm after; contentment. Fuck knows where you find it though.

So here I stand, approaching the end of university and now I have some decisions to make. I need to work out what is 'best' for me. Which direction it is I 'need' to take. Which goals I need to aim for. But how can I possibly know what it is I need to do to understand life? All I want is some sort of understanding; some wisdom. And I know that as it stands I don't know anything. The more I understand, the more I realise I don't know a thing. This understanding is depressing. But even so, I'd rather know than be blissfully unaware, as I once was. As much as I hate the nausea I still feel as though I'm better for having got this far. 

Part of me wants to just believe something, even if it's the wrong 'something'. It's the part of me that thinks I wont ever really know anything but so long as I believe something, I'll find a contentment in my discovery. Only the rest of me thinks believing the wrong thing is worse than not believing in anything and I should put up with the nausea until it can be properly over come. 

So I'm at a loss. 

But I will read. And explore. And hopefully understand a little more everyday - both about myself but also about everyone else. About being and existence and life and death and maybe on this journey I'll just discover that I've been wasting my time looking for the wrong thing, but at least I'd have been looking. 

I started reading a book today. I was stood at the train station with a half hour wait until my train arrives plus a two and a half hour journey back home so stood in front of the books in Smiths scanning. Out of the corner of my eye was a bright blue one with clouds on it. At this moment I decided that would be the book. Before knowing anything about it - before even reading the title. Maybe that's a stupid way to pick books, but heck it worked out well. 

It's called Hector and the Search For Happiness. It's written like a kids book but it's a grown up theme. It's definitely a PennieBook. It even starts 'Once upon a time...' 

I'm just over half way through by the time I get home and I'm loving it. I'll share whatever I learn with you when I finish it. 

The internet where I am has been rubbish - so by the time I've posted this it's technically tomorrow... 

The Underground Challenge

Londoners rarely talk to each other (unless they're drunk or something), we're normally storming through crowds or sitting in silence on public transport. Whenever friends of mine from out of London come to visit they find the tube seriously bizarre. All these people, sat in a room together in complete silence for anything up to about 2 hours or so depending on how far you have to go.

The other day my best friend wrote a blog about imagining the lives of people he could see on public transport; whisking them off to fantasy destinations and building up entire stories they might just fall in to. Well, yesterday I went a step further and actually spoke to someone. Found out a bit of their story. Made contact.

I was sat in the corner, writing a poem in my note book (as you do) and the girl opposite me started coughing. It looked like she was in pain so I offered her my bottle of water. I hadn't touched it yet and she could clearly use it more than me, so instinctually pulled it out of my bag and handed it over. She seemed so grateful, like a ridiculous amount of grateful for an 80p bottle of water. Isn't that sad? We're conditioned to think the world is a pile of wank and people are all horrible, so if we ever come across random acts of kindness it throws us off. I didn't even do anything, but she was surprised anyone would step outside their own protective bubble to notice her. And she was thankful.

TubeGirl seemed to have friendly eyes (you know when you can tell if a person is going to be alright or if they're going to be a dick?) and I had just stuck a couple flyers for SpeechMotion into the poster holders over head so figured I'd offer her one and ask if she likes poetry. 

Turns out I found a poet. Who's the same age as me and the same star sign, how weird is that? I handed over my notebook and she read the poem I had just written. It was my first attempt at a love poem. Being a love poem and me being me, I doubt it'll ever hit the interwebs but I've given it to the girlfriend. If she can inspire a love poem, I think she deserves a copy. 

Before TubeGirl got off the train at Turnpike Lane, I gave her my Facebook name and a link to my YouTube account. Check me out, with the self promoting and stuff.

And guess what... When I got home she had actually added me. And had been watching my YouTube videos. Which I am definitely slacking on at the moment, but the last leg of uni combined with a girlfriend means I get less play time and haven't quite worked out time management yet. I have loads of new poems though, just need to do something with them. For my birthday, one of my friends bought me a lush notebook, which I think seems to be encouraging me to write far more than the PukkaPad I was carrying around before. Strangely. 

So, the challenge part of this blog for the lot of you is to talk to a stranger. Or help someone out randomly. See if you make a new friend. You never know who you may find. People are too detached from one another, from themselves. Especially living in the city. Sometimes it's like we don't even exist in a big city like London. Surrounded by people, but no one can see you, because no one is looking.




UPDATE: There's a FB Group for the challenge