The power of repetition

In the months between finishing my postgrad and coming to London I found myself repeating words I didn't believe. I found myself omitting information I couldn't bring myself to share. I found myself laying a foundation I didn't know I was laying.

I wrote very few blog posts in that time, but I just read one about positive thinking. At the time, I wasn't prepared to divulge how broken I was. This was in part because I didn't want to upset the person who broke me and partly because I didn't want to show weakness.

The interesting thing about weakness is, once you've overcome it, you don't mind people knowing it was once a cross you carried. Of course, I can't speak for everyone, but that's how it has worked in my situation.

Photo by MrsMinifig

But my vague attempts to pretend I was fine and thinking positive in fact led to a newfound positive attitude. Things that I said in that blog post - and that I found (still find) myself repeating to people around me - became part of my being. They sunk into the depths of my conscious and pitched up.

'Nothing is ever as bad as it seems,' is but an example. Telling people that positive energy breeds positivity seemed to ignite a positivity I didn't know I possessed, but pretended to flaunt.

'There are two types of people in this world, those who say they're going to do something and those who do it.' - But another example of a line I repeated, up until the point I became the latter type of person.

Since my return from Hell (also known as sunny Swindon), I've been on many an adventure, spoken to many different types of people, made many new friends and read many new books, as I begin to discover my path. A path I may not have known I was looking for if everything didn't go to shit.

One of my favourite quotes of late is from a Paulo Coelho book: 'Sometimes, certain blessings arrive by shattering all the windows.'

Photo by Ed Schipul

I think that's true.

I think if I can go from wanting to vanish off the face of the Earth, to a balanced contentment so sharply, anybody can. So for anyone body reading this who is feeling down or hating the world or things just aren't going right for you, try a little experiment. What's it going to hurt?

Spend the next month saying:

'Nothing's ever as bad as it seems,' and 'I'm so lucky.'

On repeat. Repetition is key. Say it to yourself and say it to other people. And while you're at it start saying 'yes' more.

Danny Wallace may have played an important role in changing my life =p Maybe you should also read Yes Man, while you're at it.

Something magical

I posted something magical to SuperPennie.com. I'd love for you to go investigate =]

Not talking

A friend just sent me to: Why shoddy writing is better than good writing by Claire Creffield. His intention was to hurry me up and encourage me to blog something, so here I go:

During an emotional crisis, not talking seems like the best idea. The more you talk about something, the more you are thinking about something and the more that something is going to get to you. So I try to avoid talking about things that make me cry.

The only problem with this technique however, is that it is normally something that I probably need to talk about.

So, where do you find the balance?

If you start talking about these things that you know in your gut you shouldn't talk about, then start getting over emotional, you look like a fool. This is only going to make things worse, because I can guarantee that more often then not, you are going to tell the person that you really shouldn't be telling and looking like a fool in front of the person you really want to think highly of you.

So, what do you do?

Well, as it stands, I have absolutely no idea. I think it's about trying really hard to not feel anything, then you can talk about it and it doesn't matter. But even better than that: it just doesn't matter.

I used to be in a constant state of it-just-doesn't-matter a while back. Some of you may remember way back when, when I first started this blog. I named it A Broken Nihilist on purpose. Dissect at point. Then something happened. In amongst the general rubbish that life throws at you, I caught something special.

Happy works like dominos.

Once you start getting happy, suddenly you look around you and everything is fabulous. You see rainbows on cloudy days and find change lying around. You believe that everything is going to be ok and that the world is actually alright. That things always work out how they are supposed to.

You start to believe things you once thought were ridiculous. You start to believe in love. You become that bubbling pot of rainbow juice.

The problem with this new happy-clappy-loved-up-flappy state is that you are vulnerable. The most vulnerable you have ever been. You get paranoid. You become terrified that something is going to shake the boat. Then before you know it you are right back at self-destruct. Right where you started - and you have no idea how to not be. You realise that within the nothingness of before, you were safe. You realise that pleasure brings pain. You wish more than anything that you can just go back, go back to feeling nothing. You try to convince yourself it's possible.

But your efforts are wasted. Inside you can still hear that happy-clappy voice telling you to keep going. Telling you the pleasure is worth the pain. Telling you things will work out and to be strong.

So the internal conflict leaves you bouncing between paralysis and mania. And you sit and wonder what you are supposed to do to make everything alright. You sit alone, like before, and try to focus. Because when you focus you are amazing. And you know you are going to make it, but you don't want to have to do it alone.

But I guess life is full of ups and downs and it's just part of growing up to learn how to deal with both. However the number of midlife crisis' and such leads me to believe that an awful lot of people never figure it out.

I look forward to hearing your thoughts on the matter.

Eye's Wide Shut

Though there has been much of a transformation in my outlook and behaviour this year, I have far from reached my goal. My goal being the place I would most like to be of course. I still find myself falling into the same traps and missing the same sign posts I've failed to avoid for a while. But the other day offered me a wake up call. From another one of my own mistakes I was able to truly see why I need to move forward and let go of certain chains that have held me down for so long.

But how? How does one walk away from their comfort zone and step out into the real world? To start taking responsibility and taking all ones chances rather than letting opportunities fly by?

I imagine to one extent or another, everyone has been in a similar situation. Perhaps you are so used to a person you can't recognise their actions as being negative or inappropriate; perhaps you are so frightened of the world you are quick to retreat back into yourself and your world of fantasy. There are a million different scenarios you could find yourself in, that leave you lost or broken.

I can't pretend to be able to help anyone achieve anything. I'm still young and don't know much. I can't imagine I'll ever know much, perhaps just learn how best to deal with a lack of true knowledge. Or how best to deal with the superficial knowledge we are accustomed to. But this isn't a philosophical blog about the nature of knowledge and our ability to possess it... I'm sure many of you already know where I more or less stand on the matter. This is about a community helping each other.

I like to think that my regular followers can come together through their comments to share some advice with one another. I have come to realise the only way to save yourself from a bad situation, is to find something to hold onto that makes you want to stay clear of the darkness. But finding something to hold onto isn't enough. You can't climb from the darkness for someone or something else, because if that thing or person were to ever disappear you would fall straight back down. You need to do it for you. You need to truly want to see the light and have that happy fuzzy feeling when you wake up. You have to want your health. You have to want to achieve something. Having something to aim for makes it easier; set's your focus.

I would love to hear back from you lot! How do you pick yourselves up when you're down? How do you keep yourselves from falling back?

Just My Luck

Saturday was Kaity's Mad Hatter's Tea Party. It was the most amazing party I have ever been to in my life. There was a piñata, bubbles, Twister, Jenga, sword fights, fancy dress, party hats, edible tea cups, a trampoline, poi, frisbee, some other ball type toy thing to throw, vodka jelly, bowls and Ring of Fire around a bon fire. As well as lots of booze. What more could anyone possibly ask for from a party?

How about a cake?

Anna spent ages making THE most amazing cake ever. I wish I had taken a picture from a different angle so you could see just how great this cake was. 

At the end of the night some friends were leaving and after saying goodbye we remembered they had the only pack of Rizla. I was sent on a mission to catch up with them and ask for it before they left, so off I went, running down the garden. 

It was dark and I couldn't really see.

I've only been to Anna's house a couple of times so I'm not exactly familiar with the place. There was a couple of steps at the end of the garden that I hadn't thought about and went flying to the ground. I lay there for a moment to gain my composure then attempted standing up to continue on my mission. I'm not a quitter and figured a bit of pain shouldn't stop me from doing anything...

How wrong I was...

Standing up most definitely was not happening. I lay there a little longer then started thinking about how stupid I had been. You see, about 5 minutes earlier when the friends I was chasing were leaving, one of them had in fact tripped down the step that had just taken me out. I was there. I watched her do it. And I laughed.

I only laughed because she was ok. If she was hurt it would have obviously been different. But there I was...

When I was sure I could gather myself, I stood up and hobbled to the living room. I lay down on the sofa and just rested for a bit. Thought about taking a nap to be honest... naps and water solve everything!

15 minutes later K and a couple of her friends appeared wondering where I'd disappeared off to. Then saw my ankle. It was gross.

Before letting them put an ice pack on it I felt the need to pause and take a picture. I hope you appreciate it!

I was lucky enough to be around awesome people, so I was well looked after. K's parents took me to the hospital the next day, so I got out of tidying... plus side?
It's a torn ligament, so if I keep off it for the week it should hopefully be ok. Just need to remember to not walk. This is something I have discovered is really hard work. I realised how much I hate people having to do things for me, it makes me feel so guilty! I hate feeling like a burden.

I was sat in the hospital with K's parents, in a wheel chair and was staring at my ankle. I was sure it wasn't broken, but nobody else was. The nurse sent me for an xray and whilst in the waiting room I started thinking about how funny it looked and how funny it would be if I had broken my ankle on K's 21st birthday. Now that is a lasting memory... I burst out laughing.
For ages.
In a silent room.
I just couldn't stop myself.

I've realised how much I take my body for granted. I don't appreciate how easy it is to be able to walk around and get yourself a drink when you get thirsty. I'm just going to be limping around for a week or two, this is some peoples life.

As you know, this week is the first week of work experience... I am however incapable of doing very much. I am gutted that I have to postpone it for a week as I have been so excited about it but on the bright side, I get an extra few days with K. I was supposed to be heading back to London for a month so we wouldn't be able to see as much of each other, but I couldn't get myself back home like this.

Wednesday is graduation so tonight we are heading back together so I have someone to help me. After graduation I will rest up the best I can all week to make sure Monday morning I can make my way to the office! It also means, I get a few days at home being looked after by my mum and catching up on things I could be doing. I'll just have to make sure I am on the ball when I get to the office on Monday to make up for being so clumsy. You always want to come across as amazing in these situations and make a good impression, I am worried that this ankle thing may damage that a little bit. Hopefully when they see how excited I am about writing and working with them, it'll give me bonus points to make up for not being able to walk.

Everything will be fine. And when I can walk again I'm going to make use of those legs of mine and be a little less lazy. She says...

I'm really lucky it wasn't worse and I'm really lucky it was at the end of the night. I got to spend the whole day playing! Well, a lot of the day was in the kitchen tidying up but I took on the job with pride. I imagine Anna and K spend just as much time if not more doing the same. If I ever make it as a writer I'll be sure to hire cleaners and caterers for K's party.... I'll just throw her one for shits and giggles. It can be an unbirthday party =p
I've become that person that always looks on the bright side. When did that happen? Blame K.

Self Worth

Everybody wants to be loved. People want recognition for who they are and for their strengths. A lot of the time, if people feel as though they are not getting these things, they fall into themselves. They question their worth and their ability; question themselves. Ironically if you don't have faith in yourself it becomes difficult for other people to have any in you.

Modesty is drummed in as a virtue, when pride is seen as a vice. This confuses the situation; people proud of their accomplishments play them down to look modest. This makes others lose interest and almost agree that it's not a big deal or they see that you're wrong and lose respect for you. But of course, pride can be misconstrued as arrogance and piss people off so that doesn't do you any favours either.

So what is it people are supposed to do? What is the middle ground?

I imagine in most cases the answer is: lie.

Pretend that you think you're pretty. Pretend that you think you're skinny. Pretend that you think you're great.
Or vice versa, pretend you don't think you're that pretty or that great.

What good does lying to everyone do? Well, I'm not a self help guru. I can't help anyone out and I can't solve the worlds problems. But I have noticed that if you pretend you think you're pretty and you look comfortable in your skin people will warm to your confidence. It draws people in.

People love confidence and can't help themselves. But nobody is attracted to the fat kid pulling at his tummy. So maybe the answer is doubt silently and put on your game face when you're out and about. You'll get more friends, more work, more everything. Because those are the people that succeed in life. And heck, maybe if you lie to yourself enough, you'll start to believe it and sooner or later you will be comfortable in your own skin. Maybe if you play the game you'll get to win in the real world AND in your own head.

Nobody achieves anything sat around sulking.

You have to listen to your inner critic and instead of letting him beat you down into a dark room, prove the fucker wrong!

I'm Pretty Lucky

I've noticed a lot of people phase through friends and by the time they're my age would have had 20 different best friends, none of which they really talk to anymore. They call it growing up and I've spent my life being told that friends grow apart and I shouldn't let myself get too attached. That these people don't really care about me and will split if I ever need them so I shouldn't do everything in my power to help them when they're the ones in need.

Being told this all the time has scared the hell out of me, because I have some of the best friends a girl could ever have, most of which have been the same best friends I've had for years. I not only have one amazing best mate, who'd I'd trust with my life, but I have a few. A few amazing people that I get to be myself with and I love more than the world.

When we finished school we all went out to celebrate. At one point in the night Greg said something along the lines of 'this will be the last picture we ever take as a group' lifting his camera into the air. And that was it. I was off. I spent the next hour (or so) crying my eyes out, screaming that we would never see each other again and we'd all lose touch. This was because we were all going away to university (apart from Greg who went straight into the being a grown up thing). Now I was drunk and so were they, so they mostly laughed at me and took pictures and told me not to be silly, 'cause of course we'd keep each other. I was melodramatic enough in my tears to have got one of my friends to start crying with me, but let's face it, Si will cry at anything =p

3 years later and these people are still my best friends and I still love them and talk to them. I don't talk to all of them as much as I'd like, but when we do talk it's like we've never been apart - that's how it should be with friends. We just carry on from where we last left off. But now I am coming to the end of university, as are a couple of the others and I'm faced with the same fears that were instilled in me as an 18 year old finishing school. In this time I have gained an extra best friend, as well as a SuperFriend from uni.

I was told that the friends you make in school disappear but the ones you make at uni last forever. So either I'm really lucky or they all just did it wrong, 'cause I plan to keep the friends I made at school forever. Though I have a pseudo adoption going on with my SuperFriend and her family, so I plan to keep her too as well as the extra best mate I collected along the way who is tattooed onto my arm.

This is a lot of people to have so close. I think most people don't really understand it and that is because they don't have it. I guess it's the same as how people don't understand those in-love when they haven't been in-love. Humans can only ever really know what they've experienced.

To be honest, I don't really like 'people' very often so don't make much effort with the rest of the world, 'cause in general people suck. But it means I'm free to put all my efforts into this lot. And I miss them all so very much (even though I do at least get to see Greg all the time as we live so close this year) and hope that we can have lots of us time when we are all free.

But see, this is that growing up moment for a few more of us now and there are so many things I want to do with myself; with my life. I want to move as I am currently back at my parents and my sister will be moving back in whilst she rents her house out to raise funds, 'cause artists never make a grown up wage but their art is always more important. I want to do internships and volunteer and save the world whilst racking up experience points to apply to this journalism course I've got my eye on. I want to spend time with my beautiful girlfriend who I love and who plays make believe with me, 'cause she's still a kid inside too. She's perfect (though writing that down on such a public forum makes me feel a little silly, if I'm honest). I want to travel and to actually do things, 'cause I've done hardly anything at all.

But how on Earth do I find time to do all these things and keep my friends who will all also be off doing the grown up thing? I am terrified of ever losing them, because they mean the world to me and I'm often nostalgic for the days we've spent together. These people are my rock(s) and without them I couldn't survive.

So here I am; sat attempting to study for Friday's exam but all I can think about is how much I miss them. I have been in hiding from the world for a really long time only letting a few people in and the best ones all being their own amount of busy, but we're coming up to summer and I would really like, before we all fuck off and do our own things to have some best times. Because I am one of the luckiest peoples in the world to have them.

This is my family.

Goodbye Safety Net; Hello World

I have one month left; one. That's a month of exams that I am underprepared for and terrified of sitting. That's one month of living off a student loan and being an unemployed student. That's one month to determine where my world goes next.

Needless to say, I'm somewhat scared about having to take on the role of 'grown up'. Life is just a series of playing different parts; taking on new personas. We're all on some sort of journey in the process and I guess everyone takes their own, but I feel like mine is about finding out who I am and what it means to be. Not what it is to be me, but to be. Period.

Everyone has goals in mind for what they want their lives to be - or what they think it should be. Theres the capitalist ideology of getting a big house, full of nice things and all the bling to let everyone know you made it. But this has most people falling into debt to try to secure. There's the got-to-have-a-family ideology, where people end up settling too soon. There are people trying to find love or God or excitement. Everyone has something they are after. There's a link to most of them though; happiness. 

People think happiness is the goal. They're trying to achieve things they think will make them happy. The only problem is, most of the time as soon as we hit our target we soon discover it wasn't good enough; we need to aim higher. We're a greedy species really. Though maybe that's not completely true. Some people find contentment despite the pressures of their surrounding societies. That's what I'm after; contentment. Fuck knows where you find it though.

So here I stand, approaching the end of university and now I have some decisions to make. I need to work out what is 'best' for me. Which direction it is I 'need' to take. Which goals I need to aim for. But how can I possibly know what it is I need to do to understand life? All I want is some sort of understanding; some wisdom. And I know that as it stands I don't know anything. The more I understand, the more I realise I don't know a thing. This understanding is depressing. But even so, I'd rather know than be blissfully unaware, as I once was. As much as I hate the nausea I still feel as though I'm better for having got this far. 

Part of me wants to just believe something, even if it's the wrong 'something'. It's the part of me that thinks I wont ever really know anything but so long as I believe something, I'll find a contentment in my discovery. Only the rest of me thinks believing the wrong thing is worse than not believing in anything and I should put up with the nausea until it can be properly over come. 

So I'm at a loss. 

But I will read. And explore. And hopefully understand a little more everyday - both about myself but also about everyone else. About being and existence and life and death and maybe on this journey I'll just discover that I've been wasting my time looking for the wrong thing, but at least I'd have been looking. 

I started reading a book today. I was stood at the train station with a half hour wait until my train arrives plus a two and a half hour journey back home so stood in front of the books in Smiths scanning. Out of the corner of my eye was a bright blue one with clouds on it. At this moment I decided that would be the book. Before knowing anything about it - before even reading the title. Maybe that's a stupid way to pick books, but heck it worked out well. 

It's called Hector and the Search For Happiness. It's written like a kids book but it's a grown up theme. It's definitely a PennieBook. It even starts 'Once upon a time...' 

I'm just over half way through by the time I get home and I'm loving it. I'll share whatever I learn with you when I finish it. 

The internet where I am has been rubbish - so by the time I've posted this it's technically tomorrow... 

Truth and Identity

Not to get your hopes up or anything, this post wont be nearly as deep and thoughtful as the title may lead you to believe. That's what I've been revising today for my logic and metaphysics exam... but I got bored so decided to bleach my teeth and write a blog post instead =]

Instead of discussing what I've been reading with you on the likes of Stanford Encyclopaedia and stuff, I'll tell you about my weekend! Haha, ok maybe that isn't nearly as interesting; maybe it's more so. Who knows?

On Friday I got a new tattoo!

Me and my girlfriend planned to get tattoos together, me the 'drink me' bottle from Alice in Wonderland and her an 'eat me' cake. It didn't quite work out as planned thanks to Boots refusing to sell me numbing cream, which apparently is on prescription only or something silly so I just got mine done and K's going to wait until we can get some of the cream from online instead.

It's on my outer right thigh and is lush.

We like Alice in Wonderland =] Though I realise that now that the new movie has come out it's going to seem as though we're just bumming Johnny Depp or something but never mind. I know I've loved the book since I was tiny so I don't care much for what anyone else thinks.

On Saturday me and K went to Cotswold wildlife park, 'cause I said I'd never been to one before. We went with her parents and it was definitely an amazing day! I learnt that penguins are absolutely fantastic and bats are fucking cool. Apart from me ignoring the fact that I get motion sick and getting on the little train which took us around a section of the park, thus leading to me feeling sick beyond even throwing up, I had mass amounts of fun!

My best mate asked me to photograph a giraffe for her, but they didn't have any. I did however find a massive JCB, which I took a photo of instead knowing she'd appreciate it. As it turns out the JCB was there to make the new giraffe bit! How funny is that? I'll have to go back when it's finished to take a photo of the new giraffes.

Here's the picture for anyone who cares >>

Now I guess I should get back to revising all this philosophy stuff. Just over a month left then that's it, I'm a grown up! Well, kinda. It's a scary time, but I seem to be ignoring it fairly well...

I'll leave you with some pictures:

The Underground Challenge

Londoners rarely talk to each other (unless they're drunk or something), we're normally storming through crowds or sitting in silence on public transport. Whenever friends of mine from out of London come to visit they find the tube seriously bizarre. All these people, sat in a room together in complete silence for anything up to about 2 hours or so depending on how far you have to go.

The other day my best friend wrote a blog about imagining the lives of people he could see on public transport; whisking them off to fantasy destinations and building up entire stories they might just fall in to. Well, yesterday I went a step further and actually spoke to someone. Found out a bit of their story. Made contact.

I was sat in the corner, writing a poem in my note book (as you do) and the girl opposite me started coughing. It looked like she was in pain so I offered her my bottle of water. I hadn't touched it yet and she could clearly use it more than me, so instinctually pulled it out of my bag and handed it over. She seemed so grateful, like a ridiculous amount of grateful for an 80p bottle of water. Isn't that sad? We're conditioned to think the world is a pile of wank and people are all horrible, so if we ever come across random acts of kindness it throws us off. I didn't even do anything, but she was surprised anyone would step outside their own protective bubble to notice her. And she was thankful.

TubeGirl seemed to have friendly eyes (you know when you can tell if a person is going to be alright or if they're going to be a dick?) and I had just stuck a couple flyers for SpeechMotion into the poster holders over head so figured I'd offer her one and ask if she likes poetry. 

Turns out I found a poet. Who's the same age as me and the same star sign, how weird is that? I handed over my notebook and she read the poem I had just written. It was my first attempt at a love poem. Being a love poem and me being me, I doubt it'll ever hit the interwebs but I've given it to the girlfriend. If she can inspire a love poem, I think she deserves a copy. 

Before TubeGirl got off the train at Turnpike Lane, I gave her my Facebook name and a link to my YouTube account. Check me out, with the self promoting and stuff.

And guess what... When I got home she had actually added me. And had been watching my YouTube videos. Which I am definitely slacking on at the moment, but the last leg of uni combined with a girlfriend means I get less play time and haven't quite worked out time management yet. I have loads of new poems though, just need to do something with them. For my birthday, one of my friends bought me a lush notebook, which I think seems to be encouraging me to write far more than the PukkaPad I was carrying around before. Strangely. 

So, the challenge part of this blog for the lot of you is to talk to a stranger. Or help someone out randomly. See if you make a new friend. You never know who you may find. People are too detached from one another, from themselves. Especially living in the city. Sometimes it's like we don't even exist in a big city like London. Surrounded by people, but no one can see you, because no one is looking.




UPDATE: There's a FB Group for the challenge

Stolen Minutes

      (This is my study face)

I am down to my last week before I reach my presubmission deadline. 9 essays due in on Monday 12th (it's currently Tues 6th for anyone wondering and too lazy to look). This is pretty scary, but I definitely feel as though it's an actual possibility. I came into uni this morning to have a one on one with the dyslexia tutor man, who helped me come up with an action plan and split my time up. I felt really anxious and sick when I realised how much time I had left last night, but I'm feeling ok today. Let's hope it lasts long enough (at least the week, come on!) for me to get all this work done...

Now, I've not written a blog for a while and since my last entry quite a bit has happened that I want to talk about with you. All these things deserve a decent amount of attention, but this is me taking a short break from studying so I wont stick around for long enough to talk about it all - and besides, you wouldn't want to troll through a massive long post all in one go now, would you?

Didn't think so.

So I'm going to give you a quick, what's what, and maybe next time I'm taking a break from philosophy I'll go into things a bit more.

Do you remember me talking about my friend that died on New Years Day? Well, when the car hit her it hit 4 other people too. Carrie died then and there, and I really hope she didn't notice, but who knows. Two of the others were left in comas, one was injured and the other got lucky I guess. Last week, Chelsea, who has been in a coma since the accident and been through the operations we thought would save her, died. About a week after her 20th birthday. I probably said this before, but 20 year olds are not meant to die. I want to say something meaningful, but I'm lost for words. Losing two friends in the space of three months is horrible. But look at me, feeling sorry for myself. 'Cause isn't that all grieving is, feeling sorry for yourself for having to deal with this loss? I'm not really sure what I believe when it comes to what happens next and all that, but I'm pretty sure it's not a lot. I don't believe in things like the soul, we're just a collection of cells and stuff buzzing around, making things happen. So I imagine when I die and my consciousness ends, that'll be it; for my consciousness. But my body? My body is part of this universe, it's part of existence. And it will continue to be part of everything forever. It might not look like me for very long, but it'll change form and move on. I think we're tied in with the universe; with nature I suppose. Maybe I need to look into Buddhism or something when I get a chance, 'cause I know they say something about cosmic energy... or something.

It seems we are surrounded by death all the time; yeah it's depressing to lose people you're close to and it's scary to come face to face with your own motality but I think there's something in this for us to walk away from. A lot of the time, we live as though we have forever. We put things off all the time and save for dreams we're never going to reach. Or worse, we saves for standard grown up things like a house and a car and don't even attempt those dreams your childhood self wanted nothing more than to achieve.

I think we all need to stop trying to be what we think we are meant to be, and just be. Do those things you want to do. See those people you want to see. I dare you to be happy. 'Cause in this Capitalist society of ours, happiness is definitely not on the agenda; it's a waste of time. But relax, 'cause we're not in a race.

Now, I've had my break so I'm hitting the books again. Wish me luck...

___

I just spoke to a friend of mine about this blog post and she just made a really good point. It's important that when you lose someone, who was really important to you, you don't allow their life to have been in vain. Take something positive from everyone around you, 'cause you can learn something all the time. Let these people affect your life and your out look and try to always be your best and try to always find happiness, 'cause we need each other sometimes. I'm not sure that's exactly what she was getting at and I'm not sure I've really said what I wanted to say, but it made me think.

... I think I sound like a nut job.

February's FairyTale

Ok. So I'm writing this blog post but I'm yet to decide if it is suitable for posting (RE: some old posts to see why...). But I'm going to tell you a story anyway, because I think it's funny (and kind of a little cute) and I don't think it'll be as embarrassing to tell you now as it would have been last week. Maybe.

So for the last year I have been avoiding women after concluding they are all nut cases and I have to study. I choose books over girls, does that make me a geek? Well, probably.

I have been perfectly happy under my single banner and probably the least stressed out I have been since I started dating people at all. My darling best friend thought she would pull me out of said happiness and throw me towards whatever the opposite of peace and serenity is. Chaos, maybe?

I get a phone call from her telling me she has found me a girl and that she isn't crazy and that I have to talk to her. She was very excited about all of this as I remained completely against the idea. Whilst this was going on, my best mates girlfriend was in the same room on the phone to the girl in question and there is a lot of screaming going on (I do actually hate girls that scream, throwing that out there). Turns out this girl has been on the phone to my mates girlfriend complaining about crazy lesbians and wondering if there are any that aren't crazy. This was the moment my mate chimes in proclaiming that she knows one! One! Next came my phone call.

My mate was demanding I talk to the girl, as I laughed it off and refused, perfectly content with my life as it is. She talks me into looking at her on Facebook, which I do. I agree that she is pretty but I still do not care and I continue to refuse. I'm soon talked into messaging the girl. It's a short (abrupt) message pretty much saying I was told to say hello.

And so it began.

What's funny is how the girl knew my mates girlfriend. But that's not my story to tell, so you'll have to use your imaginations. But I will tell you that I soon found out that neither my friend nor her girlfriend had ever actually met this girl in person before. How ridiculous is that?

So we talk lots and meet up and she makes me forget that I hate women a little bit. I've never been in this situation before (having a girl thrown at me that is) and it was all a little strange, but turns out she is actually a bit lovely. She's a Cancer and as much as I don't want to believe in all that astrology rubbish it seems to be right about the fact that I get on well with Cancers. Maybe it's just all in my head...

She actually came to a poetry night, which is really fucking cool (putting up with my poetry obviously helps pick up points). I suddenly realise the further into this story I go the less it seems like a good idea for me to share it with you all... Especially as I know she's going to read this and laugh at me as it is!


After lots of me being awkward and being told to man up this section of the story does indeed have a happy ending. I say this section, because fairytales only ever tell you up to the part where the princess gets her prince and they live happily ever after, but you never get told what that happily ever after entails... I imagine lots of formalities and fake conversations with people at balls you don't really want to go to.

I can only presume mine will not fit into this category as formalities and balls are not actually things I come across very often (being that I'm not a princess, I'm more like PeterPan). But if anyone wants to throw me a ball, I have a green princess dress somewhere just waiting for an excuse.

I say that, but the likelihood of me ever building up the courage to wear the pretty princess dress out is so very low. And I don't even know if it fits anymore after spending 2 years of my life getting fat (thank you university). Now I'm just going off on a tangent a bit, but you have to be used to that by now! I mean come on, this has to be like blog post 60 or something, right?

Video: Above Tables (GayAfrica)

Ok, I kinda feel like I'm mass posting here - let's just say I'm making up for lost time and I promise not to post anything else in the next 24 hours!
This is the poem I wrote for the GayAfrica thing I mentioned. It's 4am so I have tired eyes going on, so there you go.



If you're in London, be sure to come down to the event. Click for the Facebook page.

Date:	Sunday, 28 February 2010
Time:	16:00 - 20:00
Location:	Free Word Centre
Street:	60 Farringdon Road, London EC1R 3GA
Town/City:	London, United Kingdom

PressRelease: SpeechMotion (Feb)

February 23^rd 2010

Immediate Release

Press Contact: speechmotion@makingtheatrework.com

    

Presents...

A Monthly Platform for Performance & Shorts in Shoreditch

            

February may be associated with Love, but if you are sick of all the fake flowers and cheap teddy bear’s, come along to SpeechMotion on February 23^rd to see where love will get you if you’re not careful!

As always, we have a great line up which includes some of the best talent from around Europe.

Resident Poet, SuperPennie, will warm up the mic and get the crowd feeling super inside with her latest rhymes. The London born poet claims that, ‘Growing up is bad for your health. In fact it is one of the biggest causes of death...’ (Obviously another Peter Pan complex) http://www.myspace.com/superpennie

The line up continues with London based Guest Poet, Jade Anouka, who’s feature spots include:  Farrago, Apples&Snakes, TriForce Promotions, I Think I'm Here Darling and UK Poetry Podcast.. Jade has also performed at the Sidewalk Cafe and The Bowery in New York. www.myspace.com/anoukapoetry 

  

Guest Film, ‘Think of Me Then Die,’ by French Filmmaker Sullivan Corredo, is about the way Nicolas Sarkozy rules France. However, watching it you would not necessary know that because Corredo is one of the best young surreal filmmakers out there, which means there are different interpretations to his work, some people love him, (speechmotion) some people don’t get him, but no one can deny his unpredictability. Corredo states, “It was not easy to fit the cultural view of the president, but working hard on it, I can affirm that I'm part of what the French government does at its best”. Vive la France!

As we are on the subject of politics has anyone ever lied...to a loved one?  Of course you have! “Little Secrets” is our Featured Film, by our favourite German Filmmaker, Sascha Zimmermann.  What a wonderful mix of dark humour and witty dialogue.

We sing the night out with our Featured Performer, Blanche Visarro - "A modern Chanteuse" - brought to the future from 1920's silent films, she will tell the story of love in trouble. With the piano at her finger tips and her magical voice in your ear, you will go home and cry yourself to sleep.  So moving!

Listing Information:

SpeechMotion promotes the work of original storymakers and offers a platform where a unique mix of performance and film co-exists between emerging and established artists.

Every last Tuesday of the month performers/filmmakers get in FREE)

Venue: The Horse and Groom, 28 Curtain Road, Shoreditch, London, EC2A 3NZ

Tickets £4/3

 Facebook Group

Producer Notes - Who is msft? The Storytellers Pedestal
msft, formerly known as missfit productions, has been producing events since 2006 and specializes in raising the profile of emerging artists, across the creative spectrum, (poets, performers, film makers and playwrights). msft create performance opportunities around London in quirky venues, that promise to nurture creative talent and artistic innovation. Why? - Because msft loves theatre. Not just the finished product, but all the drama that brings the product to life. For more information, images, interviews, sponsorship, or to perform/screen your work, please contact festival director Lennie Varvarides at speechmotion@makingtheatrework.com.

Warm Regards,

Public Displays

I apologise for having disappeared for a few days people, I was away visiting some amazing people in Swindon/Taunton and couldn't find the time to pull myself from certain lovely faces to sit down and write to you guys. But now I am home I figure I may as well get back on it!

I was thinking about public displays of affection while I was gone and have decided to share such thoughts and check out other peoples opinions on the matter. See I think if someone wants to hug or kiss their partner in public they can crack on, there's nothing wrong with that. I mean obviously, nobody wants to see someone with their hand down their partner's jeans or two people gyrating against a wall, but those moderate displays are cute.

The other day I saw an old couple kissing on an escalator down to the underground. I want to still be kissing someone I love when I'm in my 60's and 70's!

So I started thinking about gay couples, I think it's that little bit scarier to kiss or hold hands with your partner in public, for fear of being gay bashed or something. That's not cool; people shouldn't be afraid of showing their love. I think this is more likely in gay men rather than gay women, but I could be wrong. I think it's less likely you'll see gay boys kissing in public than you are to see lesbians do it, I wonder why that is...

Maybe people are more likely to say something to guys. Maybe they're more likely to want to fight with guys. Maybe they're just more freaked out by gay guys than girls, 'cause they see them less. I don't know, I don't know why people do anything. I imagine most things are just because the world is fucked up and people are just shit, but maybe that's just a hint of pessimism or something. But hidden inside that pessimistic shell of mine, is a tiny little penguin looking for a hug... or something to that effect, maybe.

All I know is, is that people should be able to love whoever they want and not be afraid to let anyone know. People shouldn't go round punching people for being happy. And people need to take a step back and get a grip 'cause there are far worse things in the world than someone that isn't you being happy.

I like holding peoples hands, I'm a hand holder.

Hans Christian Andersen

So the other day I was thinking about stories I liked when I was a kid and how a lot of them were ruined by being brightened up (like by Disney and the likes). In following this thought through I hit up Amazon and purchased a copy of Hans Christian Andersen's Complete Fairy Tales. 

It is pretty damn awesome! More awesome than I thought it would be in fact. I saw my package from Amazon, sat patiently waiting for my attention up on the table in the hallway outside my bedroom. I swiftly pulled open the cardboard to see it was huge (I should have assumed as much considering the word 'complete' is in the title, but shhh)! It was wrapped in cellophane, which doesn't often happen to be honest, so that was quite exciting. I pull the book out and realise it is HARD BACK. You have no idea how excited I got. I ripped off the cellophane and sat holding the book, touching the cover and just looking at it. I got a little bit over excited and was about to start crying, so I put the book down and left the room for a few minutes to calm down. 

Yes I am actually that lame.

A friend of mine phoned me at this point, which meant I had someone to share my excitement with. Which was so very necessary! I could well have exploded. I was actually about to phone Mr Gaige and tell him all about it before my phone started ringing! I literally spent the next 20 minutes talking about how happy I was and what it felt like and how it smelt like new book. I even went on Skype so I could show her the book on webcam. 

At which point, she informed me of a movie I should really have known about from the 50's which I have now ordered! Amazon tells me it will be at my door by Tuesday. This too makes me very happy! Hopefully it comes in the morning as I plan to go away for a couple of days and would love to take it with me so we can watch it together and sit and get all girlie at the singing and the storytelling! 

Amazon should blates pay me commission... I should write them a letter or something =p

I will give you my thoughts on the movie after I watch it! I have actually banned myself from reading for fun until after my degree, so you will all have to wait until summer for a book review. I find I feel really guilty for reading anything that isn't studying so have implemented a rule. 

When The Fun Goes South

I realise that actually sounds a little sexual. That’s not what I was going for, but heck I’ll leave it that way –

I was thinking about how much I enjoy reading. How much time I spend reading. Whether it’s a blog, website, newspaper, novel, philosophy, script or poetry I enjoy every moment of it – until I have to do it. Until I have to do it and be tested on how well I understood it. Those moments I not only have to do it and be tested on it but I have to throw in my own input. Suddenly thinking and reading becomes the last things I want to do in the world. Suddenly I’d rather do nothing.

How does that make any sense? How can something I love so much one minute suddenly become a nightmare I’m trying to avoid? So I spend more time than I can afford telling myself I can’t do it or I don’t want to do it or not even thinking about it at all – until every so often I just suck it up and sit down to do it. Once I start it’s fine, it’s just getting myself to start that I have a lot of trouble with.

I think it’s ‘cause I’m scared of failing; of not being good enough. So I don’t want to try. 

I don't want to think like this and I’m trying to push those thoughts away but it’s a bottom of my stomach kind of avoidance. The same sort of feeling I get if I have to tell someone something they don’t want to hear or ask to do something they might not want me doing.

Fear isn’t going to get me anywhere. Apart from left behind while the world speeds on by. It occurred to me that I’m actually scared of lots of little things. I’m not the sort of person that sees a mouse and screams or watches a horror movie and has nightmares, but I am the sort that see’s a microphone stand that’s too high and panics at the thought of having to be the person to fix it. The person that freaks out because she thinks she’s going to fail, but somehow can’t stop the freaking out and just get my head down to stop the failing. I’m getting better. I’m learning to organise my time better. But it's not like it's even enough.

It’s never been this hard before. School was a doddle, never had to work that hard; never had that much to do. For anyone that’s ever been part of the National Curriculum you know that they don’t want us thinking for ourselves or thinking outside of any boxes – school was just about memorising random crap to purge onto a page in an exam. Suddenly I’m learning, I’m thinking and I’m scared. Everyone around me (pretty much) went to private schools and read really fast and have been doing philosophy since they were little so they seem so much better at this than me (ok partial exaggeration going on but let it go). I chose philosophy on a whim. I was going to take law and realised it would be a nightmare and there was no way I could be a lawyer. I’m not emotionally strong enough to send people to prison, or to help murderers walk free.

I did some work experience with the CPS when I was 15 and went to a bunch of trials in the crown court and there was at least one occasion I started to cry. There was this black guy who was being done for assault and the police officers were giving their evidence. 10 white guys who were all reading notes from their little black note pads which they all sat down in the cafeteria and wrote together. Of course their stories are going to fit together, they can draft out what they’re going to say and compare notes. Of course this one man’s word isn’t going to be able to stand up to the word of 10 policemen. And I felt sorry for him, I could see in his eyes that they were screwing him over (maybe I’m just naïve).

But living off Old Kent Road in S.London for a year I saw the police take advantage of a fair few black boys from the council flats across the road, so I have little faith in their policing ability and think British Police are more like bullies.

Again I’ve gone off on a tangent. Now to suck it up and get this bloody essay out of the way.