The unfortunate case of Texas Chainsaw 3D

When I first saw a poster advertising Texas Chainsaw 3D on a bus I got quite excited. I'm not sure why, but for some reason I expected this film to be fantastic. I was clearly let down. In fact, the more I think about it, the more disappointed I become.

John Luessenhop's addition to the Texas Chainsaw Massacre franchise starts where the 1974 original left off, literally, with the final girl from the first film making a break for it and the cops responding to the call from the truck driver who found her. Luessenhop flashes through those original murders, speeding you to date, just in time to watch a mob burn down Leatherface's family house.

The film centres on a baby who is kidnapped from the homicidal cannibal family. Snap to the present and this baby is played by 26-year-old Alexandra Daddario, who did fine – all things considered. Though I beg you all to think about the maths for a moment; surely the baby should be older. The acting was fine and she did the sexy, slightly crazy thing fine; but I wasn't blown away. In fact, I spent much of the film wondering why whoever was in charge of wardrobe decided she shouldn't wear a bra. I also didn't understand why her midriff had to be on show throughout the whole film; don't get me wrong, it was a lovely stomach, but I want more from a main character than sexy-girl-screaming and sexy-girl-crazy. I actually want a whole lot more from a film than this film even tried to offer.

The 3D itself was a total let down and the movie moved so slow there wasn't a scare in sight. To add to the offences, the only thing I felt was sympathy for Leatherface. I don't want to feel sorry for the bad guy; I want to be screaming for someone to finish him! Instead, I found myself rooting for him, hoping he'd be ok.

The dialogue throughout was basically pointless at almost all sections of the film, and dragged slowly between exchanges. Leatherface, who is known as Jed instead of Babba, seems to have an unlimited supply of chainsaws lying around the house. There is a scene where two of the characters are running away from him and go to all the effort of locking the wooden door with a wooden log. The whole time you're thinking 'he's holding a chainsaw, idiot'. Then he cuts through it. Obviously.

Overall it's efforts were laughable. As a horror movie it was a total fail, but with a fair few lols along the way to try and make up for it. The highlight being near the close of play, involving a meat factory. No scares, patchy storyline, limited tension and bad 3D. Definitely not worth the ridiculous cost of a cinema ticket; made me reminisce about the days it only cost £2.50 to see a film at Hollywood Green.

I'm genuinely a little concerned for the horror movie genre. I can't remember the last time I saw a decent one.

Quick Update

Sorry I vanished for a bit guys. You'd think not being able to walk would give me optimum writing time, but rather I took the opportunity to lie around and not do anything... I had to cancel my work experience which is most definitely a sad time, as there was no way I could manoeuvre my way around London in the state I've been in.

I just thought I would let you all know that I am performing at Summer of Love and Music Festival this weekend thanks to my magical girlfriend. I'll be on the acoustic stage tomorrow afternoon. If anyone lives in the area it's only £20 for the whole weekend including camping and money goes to charity! Win. Or I think it's a tenner per day.

Also, me and Laura have begun work on our horror screen play. We've not written a screen play before so we're excited about what we might come up with. If anyone has any ideas they wanna throw at us, put them below =]

Scrubs Without Braff

You must have noticed by now I waste a lot of time watching movies and series'… but hey it’s like research or something. I’m examining different kinds of writing… or something… Ok maybe I’m just an insomniac glued to her laptop, whatever.

So I am not a massive Scrubs fan – I mean, I like Scrubs but I’m not an avid watcher. It’s just one of those shows that’s always on tv and of the bunch it’s probably the best during those hours I spend wasting away. It is pretty funny and JD does make me smile, so when I found out the new season wasn’t going to have Zach Braff or many of the other stars I wasn’t too sure about it. The whole show is from JD’s head, how can you take JD away?

But I’ve been sat here watching a few episodes of season 9 and though I’ve not worked out names yet I am quite enjoying it. It actually feels like it’s a different show, it’s not really Scrubs anymore but that isn’t a bad thing. It’s not good, but it’s not bad; it just is.

Part of me feels like this should actually just be a different show, that they are just feeding off the ready made fan base. But I guess if you can do it, why not? I am actually enjoying it though, I like the idea of getting to be inside the heads of the characters. I actually think it’s a technique more things should use, but then I guess it wouldn’t be so special.

What do you think? Any Scrubs fans? Any script writers? Me and my mate are going to attempt writing a horror movie so every time we watch a movie we get to call it research – maybe that’s just an excuse.

Why a horror movie? Well, they are my favourite to watch. And I reckon I understand the rules of writing horror movies the best, because I understand the movies themselves the best. I always watch them. I can almost always work out what is going to happen, because they always follow the same rules. I want to try to break some of those rules, but work out how to make it a good movie at the same time. A lot of the time, movies that don’t follow the rules, fail. I don’t want to fail!

Also, script is so much harder to write than you’d think. I attempted once (way back when I was 15) and it was a pile of **** (I am not sure if I should swear or not in my blog, I swear a lot but I don’t want to offend anyone. Comment on that too and tell me what you think). You need dialogue in a script, I mean come on – no one really wants to watch a silent movie (unless it’s a short film) but at the same time dialogue can destroy a script. I think from what I’ve learnt in reading and research is that less is more.

Try not to give everything away with the dialogue

Say as little as possible – don’t spell things out

Use dialogue to develop the characters – the way they speak, what they speak about, who it is they are

Any thing you want to share with me is always welcome – we’re all here to learn! Well some people are here for entertainment or ‘cause they’re bored, but those people can just help me learn – ‘cause heck, I’m always learning. I’m a student of the world and even when I’m not officially wearing that Student Status badge I’m always going to be a student. We all are. As soon as you stop learning, you may as well be dead.

Sorry, I ended up on a bit of a tangent with this post… 

Movie Review: I Know How Many Runs You Scored Last Summer

Ok, you know what, the title says it all. And unless you get some sadistic pleasure out of forcing yourself through terrible horror movies, take a hint and stay away.

I on the other hand got a little bit excited trolling through Amazon for cheap horror movies I could laugh at.   Just look at the title, it has to be funny! They can't be taking themselves seriously with a title like that, right?

Well, I don't even know. I may be throwing in some spoilers here people, so if you're excited about watching this pile of wank then maybe you should look away, but I'm sure I couldn't ruin this film for you even if I tried.

It could maybe fall into the category of Aussie Comedy-Slasher or whatever, but all that means is a stupid film with lots of blood and unnecessary, over prolonged nudity. There is even a bit of body doubling from Miss Nude Australia going on, Miss Arianna Starr. Yes, there is a shower scene with the porn glow and hints towards masturbation...

Basically the film amounts to a pissed off bloke who was bullied by his cricket team as a kid, killing off his team members now that they're all grown up and he's developed super strength. There's really bad policing with one of those serial killer boards drafted up by the Australian sergeant, who is a bit of a tool. Then a British detective is brought in to aid the investigation, little do they know she is not part of the solution at all.

The cops collect up what's left of this old cricket team and put them all in a house in the middle of nowhere, calling it a safe house. Erm, I'm sorry but since when was a house in the middle of nowhere safe? Especially in a horror movie... So yeah story goes, they've put all the soon to be victims in the same house together to help out the crazy cricket guy kill the lot of them off in one go.

Dressed in a full cricket kit with a silly moustache and a big floppy hat, he goes around killing them with cricket related weapons. You have your state of the art cricket ball with nails hammered through, sharpened cricket stumps and of course the cricket bat. And if that wasn't enough, he also hammers (or screws?) nails into a cock guard (I don't actually know what they're called, but you know what I mean) to add a little bit of spice to his killings.

One guy sneaks off near the beginning to have sex with his lady friend - I don't know who she is, some woman who trekked to the middle of nowhere with a whip and handcuffs for a bit of a shag. Obviously, following the rules of a horror, he is the first of this lot to be knocked off. But not before getting his naked arse whipped by the killer a few times...

About 15 minutes is spent leading up to the death of one guy, with him sneaking around a room after finding a dead body behind him. I can only imagine this took so long because he was topless.

All in all the film goes nowhere. Everything took a really long time, but the film somehow felt incredibly short - however that works. And if it wasn't all ridiculous enough for you, they've thrown in a bit of incest at the end. Everyone loves a bit of incest when it comes to crazy murderous folk...

This film can now take it's rightful place on my list of worst films ever, along with The Forest and Wolf Creek etc

Go check it out =p therunsmovie.com