The unfortunate case of Texas Chainsaw 3D

When I first saw a poster advertising Texas Chainsaw 3D on a bus I got quite excited. I'm not sure why, but for some reason I expected this film to be fantastic. I was clearly let down. In fact, the more I think about it, the more disappointed I become.

John Luessenhop's addition to the Texas Chainsaw Massacre franchise starts where the 1974 original left off, literally, with the final girl from the first film making a break for it and the cops responding to the call from the truck driver who found her. Luessenhop flashes through those original murders, speeding you to date, just in time to watch a mob burn down Leatherface's family house.

The film centres on a baby who is kidnapped from the homicidal cannibal family. Snap to the present and this baby is played by 26-year-old Alexandra Daddario, who did fine – all things considered. Though I beg you all to think about the maths for a moment; surely the baby should be older. The acting was fine and she did the sexy, slightly crazy thing fine; but I wasn't blown away. In fact, I spent much of the film wondering why whoever was in charge of wardrobe decided she shouldn't wear a bra. I also didn't understand why her midriff had to be on show throughout the whole film; don't get me wrong, it was a lovely stomach, but I want more from a main character than sexy-girl-screaming and sexy-girl-crazy. I actually want a whole lot more from a film than this film even tried to offer.

The 3D itself was a total let down and the movie moved so slow there wasn't a scare in sight. To add to the offences, the only thing I felt was sympathy for Leatherface. I don't want to feel sorry for the bad guy; I want to be screaming for someone to finish him! Instead, I found myself rooting for him, hoping he'd be ok.

The dialogue throughout was basically pointless at almost all sections of the film, and dragged slowly between exchanges. Leatherface, who is known as Jed instead of Babba, seems to have an unlimited supply of chainsaws lying around the house. There is a scene where two of the characters are running away from him and go to all the effort of locking the wooden door with a wooden log. The whole time you're thinking 'he's holding a chainsaw, idiot'. Then he cuts through it. Obviously.

Overall it's efforts were laughable. As a horror movie it was a total fail, but with a fair few lols along the way to try and make up for it. The highlight being near the close of play, involving a meat factory. No scares, patchy storyline, limited tension and bad 3D. Definitely not worth the ridiculous cost of a cinema ticket; made me reminisce about the days it only cost £2.50 to see a film at Hollywood Green.

I'm genuinely a little concerned for the horror movie genre. I can't remember the last time I saw a decent one.

A Midsummer Feminists Party

The Saturday before last some artsy friends of mine held a Midsummer Feminists Gig at Balham Bowling Green. There was food, drink, poetry, music, dance and even a fire place. So all in all a good night. The night was hosted by Catherine Brogan who had the audience giggling the night away talking about everything from how the toilets work to how a poem she wrote for my sisters night, Dyssing Monadys is now being used in schools to teach teachers about dyslexia (how amazing is that?)! 

The night was a fundraiser for the London Feminist Conference.

As it turned out, there was no Northern line and I started my journey in Swindon... so me and K had to mission it with a bunch of change overs and overground trains to get there (late - though it wasn't on a real time schedule anyway) and meant we had to leave early, to get back to my house at the opposite end of London.

We spotted the big gates walking down the street and I remembered doing this journey once before, last year some time, when Cat held another poetry event there. I've been to a few arts events at squats around London, but I think this was K's first. As we passed through the gates we were greeted by a couple of feminists sat at a table looking for donations. Further down the path we found a sign and the entrance on to the green; a large space with a bonfire hole out in the middle and a table tennis table set up in front of the building. Of course, we were soon to have a game... How could we resist?

Because of the time constraints facing me, I could only see a few of the acts. This is definitely a sad time, as I missed lots of gold, but here are some highlights:

The Kitchen Quartet were definitely at the top of the list for me. As you can (just about) see from the picture, the quartet was a person down for the evening, but don't worry the three of them still kicked arse. Their quirky style of new arrangements made from old songs were fantastic.

Sabrina Mahfouz was absolutely amazing as usual, performing a bunch of new material she tested out on us as well as the Red Riding Hood poem that won her the Lyrical Challenge the month I took part. 

Camila Fiori was another highlight, performing a poem in maybe five different languages. I'm pretty sure I spotted French, Italian, Spanish and English as well as maybe something else... unfortunately my language skills aren't nearly as amazing but I feel a little inspired to try to write my own bilingual poem. I may as well make use of being able to speak Greek! 

I've been a very busy bee this week but I'm going to make a point of blogging regularly. I have to do an Interview for the journalism course I'm applying to, so will be talking to The Dead Lay Waiting this week thanks to the lovely wife. She's a music promotor and is using her magic powers for good i.e. to help me out.

Goodbye Safety Net; Hello World

I have one month left; one. That's a month of exams that I am underprepared for and terrified of sitting. That's one month of living off a student loan and being an unemployed student. That's one month to determine where my world goes next.

Needless to say, I'm somewhat scared about having to take on the role of 'grown up'. Life is just a series of playing different parts; taking on new personas. We're all on some sort of journey in the process and I guess everyone takes their own, but I feel like mine is about finding out who I am and what it means to be. Not what it is to be me, but to be. Period.

Everyone has goals in mind for what they want their lives to be - or what they think it should be. Theres the capitalist ideology of getting a big house, full of nice things and all the bling to let everyone know you made it. But this has most people falling into debt to try to secure. There's the got-to-have-a-family ideology, where people end up settling too soon. There are people trying to find love or God or excitement. Everyone has something they are after. There's a link to most of them though; happiness. 

People think happiness is the goal. They're trying to achieve things they think will make them happy. The only problem is, most of the time as soon as we hit our target we soon discover it wasn't good enough; we need to aim higher. We're a greedy species really. Though maybe that's not completely true. Some people find contentment despite the pressures of their surrounding societies. That's what I'm after; contentment. Fuck knows where you find it though.

So here I stand, approaching the end of university and now I have some decisions to make. I need to work out what is 'best' for me. Which direction it is I 'need' to take. Which goals I need to aim for. But how can I possibly know what it is I need to do to understand life? All I want is some sort of understanding; some wisdom. And I know that as it stands I don't know anything. The more I understand, the more I realise I don't know a thing. This understanding is depressing. But even so, I'd rather know than be blissfully unaware, as I once was. As much as I hate the nausea I still feel as though I'm better for having got this far. 

Part of me wants to just believe something, even if it's the wrong 'something'. It's the part of me that thinks I wont ever really know anything but so long as I believe something, I'll find a contentment in my discovery. Only the rest of me thinks believing the wrong thing is worse than not believing in anything and I should put up with the nausea until it can be properly over come. 

So I'm at a loss. 

But I will read. And explore. And hopefully understand a little more everyday - both about myself but also about everyone else. About being and existence and life and death and maybe on this journey I'll just discover that I've been wasting my time looking for the wrong thing, but at least I'd have been looking. 

I started reading a book today. I was stood at the train station with a half hour wait until my train arrives plus a two and a half hour journey back home so stood in front of the books in Smiths scanning. Out of the corner of my eye was a bright blue one with clouds on it. At this moment I decided that would be the book. Before knowing anything about it - before even reading the title. Maybe that's a stupid way to pick books, but heck it worked out well. 

It's called Hector and the Search For Happiness. It's written like a kids book but it's a grown up theme. It's definitely a PennieBook. It even starts 'Once upon a time...' 

I'm just over half way through by the time I get home and I'm loving it. I'll share whatever I learn with you when I finish it. 

The internet where I am has been rubbish - so by the time I've posted this it's technically tomorrow... 

SpeechMotion

I was travelling around yesterday and had a couple hours to kill so sat at The Horse and Groom faffing on the internet until the night begun. I tried to write a blog in that time, but Blogger was playing up and wouldn't let me sign in or see any 'post new' type buttons. I even took a photo of me sat in the pub reading to use any everything and even though I am now at home sat on my bed I'm going to share it with you anyway...

Uploading that, I realise why Blogger was playing up... They've updated bits (like the image uploader). For this I shall forgive them.

At last night's SpeechMotion we had a variety of stuff as always. Thanks to the volcano our feature performer was stuck in Turkey or something so we had to find a short notice replacement. Luckily MC Angel stepped in =]

She performed a bunch of new stuff and ended with a freestyle which was incredible. The audience threw a bunch of words at her and she just went for it. Also, I've mentioned it before but I'll say it again, she runs a night in East London called Lyrically Challenged which you all need to check out. There are updates on it via her Facebook, so go have a look see.

Charlie Dupré came down and did a bit of open mic. He performed Not Thinking, which can be found on his Myspace. He will be a programmed guest next month and was just checking the night out. Having  two MCs in the same night made me happy, I do enjoy when rappers do poetry!

Also got a YouTube friend turn up! Peter, also known as Nordicsky on YT turned up to show his support and got so into the night even read a couple of poems for us in the open mic!

I read three new poems never before performed, which went down well. I'll video at least one of them soon and post them up. I didn't memorise them this time as I didn't want to waste valuable memory space on poetry when it should be storing philosophy at the moment.

It was fantastic and you should all go check out msft on Facebook for future stuff or you can hit up the website

Before I sign off on this one I'd like to say that the random girl I met on the tube all that time ago - the one who was coughing and I gave water too - turned up last night with a mate. How funny is that? She actually turned up!

On that note, don't forget to join the Underground Challenge group! It's growing; slowly.

Farewell Dear Dollhouse, You Will Be Missed!

So Dollhouse is over. I watched it all online, ‘cause I couldn’t bare to wait for those belated English airdates; how I love the Internet. I realise I’m way behind seeing as it’s been over for over a week and I bet if any of you care you would have read loads of posts about the same thing elsewhere. But meh…. I’ll carry on.

Dollhouse is the latest piece of gold to come from the God that is Joss Whedon and (yet again) Fox didn’t give it the chance it deserved. Cancelled. Morons. With only two seasons to prove it’s worth, you may as well take the time to watch it all!

For non-sci-fi/Whedon fans out there who may not already know, I’ll fill you in. There is this evil corporation which the future-changing technology to be able to re-write a person’s brain. This corporation runs a load of underground ‘dollhouses’ across the globe (though we don’t know that part right away – obviously) full of ‘volunteers’ who have their brains wiped for 5 years. They are referred to as actives and work for the house. Their bodies are pretty much rented by very, very rich people who can pick and chose what qualities they want their doll to have. It’s like a really expensive pimp agency only, your doll doesn’t know they’re a doll and genuinely loves you. All the dolls are beautiful – because obviously us humans would never pay high dollar for an ugly bit on the side. But wait! They’re not just prostitutes, they can be ANYTHING you want… ninja, thief… whatever.

So season one sees Caroline, played by Eliza Dushku sign her life away to Adelle DeWitt (Olivia Williams). She is then wiped and becomes the wondrous Echo.

The initial premise may seem a little far fetched and season 1 was a little samey with the first 6 episodes just setting the scene, sending Echo off to do a variety of different things. It gave us all a chance to settle into the idea of what was going on before it started to hit us with the awesomeness. Unfortunately as amazing as it was, the show was never given a chance.

Dollhouse was at least given warning of the approaching end, given them enough to come up with an ending rather just leaving it in midair but this isn’t like it’s good enough. There are so many shows that just keep going and going until the writers have nothing left to say and they stop caring about their work – it’s just about the money now.

There is an awesome io9 article here which deserves your attention. She talks about the desire – fear paradigm going on through the show and the slow shift towards fear as time goes on.

Because Dollhouse was facing it’s cancellation some things felt a little forced and clumsy, as they sprinted to the end of the story in such a tiny space. If they were given more time, it wouldn’t have been such a sprint for the finish line. And the Boyd thing might have been a little less lame…

Dollhouse is a show that should have made it. It explored something different, but there we have our problem. By stepping away from what everyone else was doing and trying to be creative and explore new ideas the show was always going to be under threat.

Throughout the two seasons, Dollhouse has explored what it is to be human. It was an ambitious concept but I think they did it. Dollhouse takes a possible world (as opposed to a fantasy world) and builds on it. That is how science works; keeps trying to improve on itself and to make money. Science wants to move the world into the future and isn’t going to let a few ethical qualms get in it’s way. This is scary. Actually scary.

Dollhouse was probably too dark for Fox. But it’s filled with a whole bunch of upbeat themes that showed the light through the darkness. The hints for Fox to see and hold on to, like Anthony and Priya’s love being completely unbreakable and able to transcend the mind no matter who they were printed with.

As it turned out, Dollhouse wasn’t as dark as we all thought it was going to be. Joss gave us some optimism, this idea that even though all this is coming at us, we’re still going to come out the other end. Yeah the world is a shitty place, but we can get through it. Ok, I almost feel like that sounds a little cheesy – but maybe that’s ‘cause we feel like there are only two dots on the spectrum; cheese or misery.

It would have been nice to get to see the show run it’s course at a regular pace and smooth everything out a bit. I am a little angry that it was taken away from me! I don’t understand why there needs to be so much of the same crap on TV but as soon as something comes along exploring anything remotely deeper than a group of teenagers having sex or people trying to become pop-stars, then it is shut down. How dare anyone in the media industry try go against the same tired formular…?

Last Night's SpeechMotion

Last night was this months SpeechMotion - and it was AWESOME. Not from a biased I'm involved kinda way, more like a it was genuinely awesome kinda way. There was a massive crowd, which is always nice. But half of them disappeared after the interval (light weights), which was a shame because they then missed the amazing Tim Wells doing his thing as well as a film by Sascha Zimmermann about a hold up in the middle of nowhere - which was hilarious! Three girls dressed in bunny suits (or something) with guns trying to hold up a petrol station = gold. 


I filmed (well my camera filmed whilst being held by my beautiful assistant) a few performances of the night, which will be put up on YouTube eventually - I'll let you know! There's a couple of poems from me, MC Angel and Tim Wells as well as a comedy sketch from a group called 'Your Mum' which was brilliant. Sorry I didn't film everything but when I got there I realised I didn't have a full battery and I had to make choices. There were some stand up comic in the open mic you would have enjoyed laughing at, but that's just the way the cookie crumbles. Or the dice rolls. Or the porcelain dolls smashes when you drop it's scary face out of a window...


I was sat on the floor during the comedy sketch with my sister's dog (who felt the need to sit on my lap rather than the floor - I guess she didn't want to get her bum dirty or something, the little diva) who freaked out a little bit when the three girls started running on the spot. She tried to charge at them so she could play as well and I had to hug her to keep her back. I imagine an excited puppy jumping on you while you're trying to act wouldn't have be fun (for the girls at least). 


As always Missy was the star of the show getting the most hugs and kisses out of everyone all night. It's not jealousy, don't worry - just thought I'd point out that I never get that sort of love and attention and it's just not fair! *cough* I mean... erm... moving on.


Oh no saying that, a couple people hugged me and it made me feel a little uncomfortable. So if we are meeting for the first time, it is really ok if you don't touch me. I wont be offended. Well, hand shakes are fine. 


The night was a massive success and thank you to everyone who came down to support as well as came to perform. Even though I'm not convinced any of those people read this... but I just want to make all you non-attenders feel guilty! (Ok that last part wasn't true, I'll see all your beautiful faces tomorrow. Kinda)

Movie Review: First Wives Club

Ok, I know is really old and probably not actually worth reviewing, but I love Bette Midler and thought I'd take the opportunity to look at her by watching the movie again. Whilst obviously taking the opportunity to talk about my love for her by reviewing the movie. Maybe I'll do a 'Bette Midler Season' and watch Hocus Pocus tomorrow! Both have Sarah Jessica Parker in too (which I totally only just noticed! How ridiculous is that?).

So let's start by filling you all in on those standard details in case you don't already know.

First Wives Club, 1996
Director: Hugh Wilson
Writers: Olivia Goldsmith (novel) Robert Harling (screenplay)
Staring: Bette Midler, Goldie Hawn, Diane Keaton

Now, you know when you see the names of amazing actors on a film, you're always that little bit more tempted to go see it? Well, it's with good reason. Good actors promise at the very least good acting. And this is something that should never be over looked, I mean come on, you didn't watch 'Jenifer's Body' because Megan Fox can act now did you?

So after the suicide of high school friend, Cynthia Swann Griffin, who is abandoned by her husband, 3 recently divorced old friends come together to teach their exes a lesson and get some revenge. This is a witty comedy about women getting even. It might sound a little anti-men, but it's not, just anti-cheating-user-men.

They formed the First Wives Club and vow to get back at them.

Elise is an actress with a drinking problem and a fear of growing old - enough so to lead to the love of the knife. Brenda is a single mother, raising a jewish son who's father gets engaged to a ditzy young woman (Parker). Annie is afraid of confrontation, whilst raising a lesbian daughter and putting up with her mother.

Elise (Hawn) starts taking back all the possessions she ever gave to her husband who is expecting alimony, including his Lamborghini which they then trick Brenda's (Midler) ex husbands new bit into buying in auction.

They sneak into Brenda's exes new place to look for his books after finding out his business is dodgy. The bit in the window cleaning lift thing was hilarious. They're all trying to be discrete and quiet but they're screaming and freaking out and then they're falling down the side of a building and they're screaming some more. They even pause to look in on a couple in bed!

Song of the movie is You Don't Own Me which the girls sing on a couple of occasions - and I LOVE. It is actually also one of the reasons I watched the movie today! I heard the song (being sung by someone else) in a youtube video and got really excited!

So there are the ups and the downs and the girls get into a fight and smash up Elise's place a bit. Annie (Keaton), the quiet one, screams at the other two before being slapped by Brenda.

I'm not going to carry on, because if you are one of the few people who haven't seen this film in the 14 years it's been around then I don't want to ruin the story for you. There's lots of meddling and plotting and it's high quality comedy; real quality, not the usual comedic crap that floats about the place. I admit I am not usually a big comedy fan, but maybe I need to restate that: I'm not a fan of teen comedies. I'm not a fan of slapstick or cheap shots. But I damn well love this film.

Movie Review: It's Complicated

Watching this film made me feel very old, granted I am probably 30 years shy of the movie's target audience but it was still very much worth watching. This film had me fall in love with Meryl Streep just a little bit whilst also having me want to date (or maybe marry) a baker. But mostly this movie made me really hungry. So I suppose I should tell you something about the movie after all that...

Everything I read about this film tells me they're middle aged, but when did 50 become middle aged? Maybe I just have low expectations, but I would have called them old. Anyway, It's Complicated is a rom-com for the older generation. Haha ok, I am focussing on their age way too much - I'm sorry. But it's not everyday I watch a film that fits this slot - most of Hollywood ensures I spend my time staring at sexy 20 somethings. Though apparently director and writer Nancy Meyers pretty much does just this so... I guess I just need to look harder.

The film is set 10 years after Jane (Meryl Streep) and Jake Adler's (Alec Baldwin) divorce, just as Jane is starting to feel normal again. Jake cheated on his wife with a younger woman who he then went on to marry (even though she cheated on him and had a child with someone else - it's all very tangly).

Skipping to the part where it starts getting juicy, they both find themselves staying in the same hotel in New York for their sons graduation. Their three kids are off doing their own thing, having a party or whatever and Jakes wife couldn't make it leaving the two of them alone. They get drunk and dance and reminisce and before long they are panting and laughing semi naked in bed together. And so it begins. There is a bit of crotch fondling going on as Jake says "Home sweet home" in a slightly cringey but mostly funny scene. Jake seems very proud of himself, while Jane is busy throwing up and feeling guilty.

The film pretty much continues with Jane being the other woman but then we get Steve Martin thrown in, playing her architect as another love interest. It's all pretty rom com predictable to be honest and was probably mostly funny 'cause it was cringey in an old people having sex kind of way but the acting was spot on (as you can imagine, look at those names!) but even so I was in hysterics the whole way through and will no doubt be watching it again. And again.

I think the highlight had to be Streep and Martin sparking up a joint. Yes - old people stoned! Classic.

I don't want to give too much away so I'm not going to comment on the ending in the hopes you go and watch it. Meryl Streep is fantastic and Baldwin does what he does best. I think this is my favourite Martin film - but to be honest, what I've seen of his is a bit too slapstick for me.

In fact, I now kinda want to review the Lizzie Mcguire Movie just so I can talk about how much I hate slapstick, but part of me is already a little embarrassed that you know I watched it. He's not in the Lizzie Mcguire movie so that probably seems like a strange leap I just made there.... he's in Cheeper By The Dozen (which is worse) and both have Hilary Duff in... in case you wanted to know why I'm talking about this...

Movie Review: I Know How Many Runs You Scored Last Summer

Ok, you know what, the title says it all. And unless you get some sadistic pleasure out of forcing yourself through terrible horror movies, take a hint and stay away.

I on the other hand got a little bit excited trolling through Amazon for cheap horror movies I could laugh at.   Just look at the title, it has to be funny! They can't be taking themselves seriously with a title like that, right?

Well, I don't even know. I may be throwing in some spoilers here people, so if you're excited about watching this pile of wank then maybe you should look away, but I'm sure I couldn't ruin this film for you even if I tried.

It could maybe fall into the category of Aussie Comedy-Slasher or whatever, but all that means is a stupid film with lots of blood and unnecessary, over prolonged nudity. There is even a bit of body doubling from Miss Nude Australia going on, Miss Arianna Starr. Yes, there is a shower scene with the porn glow and hints towards masturbation...

Basically the film amounts to a pissed off bloke who was bullied by his cricket team as a kid, killing off his team members now that they're all grown up and he's developed super strength. There's really bad policing with one of those serial killer boards drafted up by the Australian sergeant, who is a bit of a tool. Then a British detective is brought in to aid the investigation, little do they know she is not part of the solution at all.

The cops collect up what's left of this old cricket team and put them all in a house in the middle of nowhere, calling it a safe house. Erm, I'm sorry but since when was a house in the middle of nowhere safe? Especially in a horror movie... So yeah story goes, they've put all the soon to be victims in the same house together to help out the crazy cricket guy kill the lot of them off in one go.

Dressed in a full cricket kit with a silly moustache and a big floppy hat, he goes around killing them with cricket related weapons. You have your state of the art cricket ball with nails hammered through, sharpened cricket stumps and of course the cricket bat. And if that wasn't enough, he also hammers (or screws?) nails into a cock guard (I don't actually know what they're called, but you know what I mean) to add a little bit of spice to his killings.

One guy sneaks off near the beginning to have sex with his lady friend - I don't know who she is, some woman who trekked to the middle of nowhere with a whip and handcuffs for a bit of a shag. Obviously, following the rules of a horror, he is the first of this lot to be knocked off. But not before getting his naked arse whipped by the killer a few times...

About 15 minutes is spent leading up to the death of one guy, with him sneaking around a room after finding a dead body behind him. I can only imagine this took so long because he was topless.

All in all the film goes nowhere. Everything took a really long time, but the film somehow felt incredibly short - however that works. And if it wasn't all ridiculous enough for you, they've thrown in a bit of incest at the end. Everyone loves a bit of incest when it comes to crazy murderous folk...

This film can now take it's rightful place on my list of worst films ever, along with The Forest and Wolf Creek etc

Go check it out =p therunsmovie.com

Rrrants In Camden

Last night I performed at the Rrrants gig at the Camden Eye. It was an amazing night, the best Rrrants night I have been to in fact. There was opportunity for open mic before all the poets who are part of the collective got up and did their thing. Rhthmical Ravings and Rants is a poetry collective and this year, have collected over 40 poets plus a whole bunch of musicians as well as getting an anthology out. To see any of the products they have on offer check out the online shop: www.rrrants.com/Shop.htm


We all went up and did two 5 minute (ish) slots in a friendly and relaxed environment. I performed Eye for Eye and Prince Charming first, which went down well. I was a little scared I wouldn't remember Prince Charming, seeing as I've only performed it in front of people once before. Trying to perform poetry when you can't breathe and your throat hurts is not a fun time - I'm just going to throw that one out there. Winter is not my friend.
Last night also saw the likes of The Anti Poet, Mat Lloyd, Rob Auton as well as a whole bunch of others who you can check out on the rrrants page: www.rrrants.com


I got to see some people I have never seen before, which is always nice! Next year hopes to be even bigger and even better with the introduction of BardAid - a charity created to get contemporary poetry books into schools. I think this is a brilliant idea! I know most people's reactions to being invited to a poetry night just screams "GROSS!" and/or "BORING" so giving kids a chance to grow up reading poetry other than Shakespeare has got to help the poetry scene's reputation a little bit.

For now, I'll just keep plugging away in hopes of drumming up support the old fashioned way. But infiltrating young minds while they're at school is definitely the way to do it. That's how they mould society, by what they teach the kids at school.