Monday, 6 September 2010

Spotting The Light In The Darkness

For those of you who have been by my side since my early days of blogging, you have most likely noticed a shift in perspective. Some followers may have since stopped reading, having felt the darker tones were what they required of me, rather than the sparks of light that sometimes weave into my consciousness. To those, I apologise. Not for letting you down, but for leaving you behind. 

Constant negativity and pessimism may seem 'realistic' but does nothing for you. It leaves you hollow and bitter. This is from first hand experience, perhaps it suits others better, but I for one love it when I can hold on to the good. Sometimes I pretend to see the good, as many of you know, because it's what those around you want. It's hard work being the one having to put up with the negative person who wants so much but expects so little, to the point where they stop wanting. I've been on both ends of the stick, so I can understand both sides. It takes a lot out of a person if you're always down, and you can say it isn't your fault that you're down, the world just hates you, but I've seen people who have been through more than I could have imagined still shining bright. These people are doing more than just holding on and being strong, they are living. They are taking the world by the horns and riding it all the way to the end. These people inspire me. 

On Saturday I woke up in a very bad mood. I feel like if I tell you why I'm over disclosing, but perhaps we've come too far not to. I woke up in pain, horrible, stomach crunching pain. It seems by body is confused about the natural menstrual cycle and is on repeat, every two weeks. To anyone who has ever experienced a bad period, I'm sure you can empathise. I then discovered numerous texts and missed calls from my mother, who has locked herself out, along with my father and our dog. I'm not entirely sure how all of them got locked out or how they managed to close both the inner and the outer door... but I am the only other person with a key. 

Instead of getting a locksmith (who would be there in 30 mins) they wanted me to come and let them in. You may be thinking, that's hardly a big deal Pennie... but I am in Swindon and they live in London. So it would take me 3 hours to get there at least, especially as I just rolled out of bed! 

Has anyone travelled London on a weekend? It's not fun, I assure you! Almost every tube line had part closures or delays meaning we didn't get to their house until around 4pm (we woke up at 11.45 ish). 

You can imagine my dismay at this request. I was not happy. 

But now, the light...

Saturday was my best friends 22nd birthday and I couldn't afford to get to London to see her. The situation with my parents meant, they would give me the money for the train thus enabling me to see my friend. We were able to surprise her by turning up at her door unannounced when she finished work. We also spent the day baking her a magnificent birthday cake until we met up with everyone in the pub for a birthday drink. 

As I wasn't expecting to go I sent her a card on Friday - recorded delivery - so she could open it in the morning. It didn't turn up on time. I also sent her a present from a website online, paying for next day delivery. Not only did this not turn up Saturday morning, but I was charged twice, because their website malfunctioned. I was sent an email today saying it's been dispatched, but I emailed them on Friday demanding they do not charge me twice. I was ignored. I may have to phone them. I just hope she would have got it today at least. 

Amongst my really bad day I was given the opportunity to see my friend. By focusing on that part it helped me ignore the bad mood I was in and enjoy the day. I suppose it's a lesson for everyone... search out the good bits, 'cause it'll help you through the bad. 


  1. Bravo Pennie! White Light Moves in Mysterious Ways. Negative Draws Negative & Positive Draws Positive. Having been on both sides of the stick means we have the capability to understand ~ I know because I have been in that dark place too. It is so refreshing to dust off the cobwebs of the windowsill and pull up the blinds of the window and look out! I believe that having been without light and finding it adds so much more our creativity .....

  2. This is my new outlook on life... i have spent much of my 'adult' life wallowing in the feelings, but recently i re-assessed my life and realised that if i let the darkness fill out all of my days then i wouldn't really be seeing life properly, i would just be cowering under the duvet... so for now, i try and find something to look forward to, or enjoy each day, and not let the negative or the horrid people bring me down... Good luck on your positive outlook!

  3. I googled nihilism and read some stuff by Kant and Nietzsche. Apparently, existential nihilism proposes that life is without purpose or intrinsic value and that morality does not exist. As your poetry is full of morality (you are always prepared to make a stand against cruelty and prejudice) and, in addition, you seem to have a sunny disposition…I would rate you chances of becoming a full time professional nihilist at zero.

    I’m glad of that.
    I hope that somebody recognises your awesome talent soon, and offers you a job.
    Regards, Peter

  4. Actually, I think all of us need to be a bit pessimistic to live properly. Because the reality is always disappointing. We often ask ourselves why everything ends up so badly, and that's precisely the problem. We are in the habit of expecting everything to go right, that everywhere is supposed to be mysteriously traffic-free and that we should be able to find the keys to our homes. But we should reverse the equation and expect everything to go badly. Because that's the reality and we need to accept it.