The Power Of The Subconscious

On Thursday I was performing my poetry as part of Pandoras Box, a cabaret night in Islington. I chose three poems I'm most comfortable with as I wasn't in the mood to learn anything new. Since the 1st I've been finding it that much harder to concentrate on anything. I thought it would be fine and didn't really give much thought to the poems I was doing. I perform them all the time, I know them. Only turns out my insides did not want me standing in front of people performing Eye For Eye. For those who don't know I'll embed the video below:

See, a friend of mine died on the first and even though I thought I'd be fine, I guess not. I'm trying my hardest to not think about it, 'cause I don't know how to deal with it, but my body is not ready to just up and move on.

I couldn't perform the poem.

I got about 6 or 7 lines in and completely blanked. It was a little bit embarrassing and at the time I couldn't understand why I blanked, but it occurred to me later that night, talking to my sister. I can't stand there and talk about death like that, when it's such a sore subject for me. I thought I had tougher skin, but I'm just an emotional wreck.

I'm not going to sit here and talk about it with you, 'cause it's weird and a little too personal for me to share too many details. But I just wanted to comment on the power our brains have. Mine went against what I tried to make it agree to because I'm not ready.

Look at me, I'm talking about it as if me and my brain are different things. I'm not a dualist. Just going to throw that out there. I just think there is more going on in my brain than I have control over. And of course there is, I have no control over most mental activities taking place in there.